Meet a millennial DINK who feels like an outlier in a child-centric world

• Michelle, a 34-year-old DINK, has slowly come to embrace a childfree lifestyle.
• Despite societal pressures, some DINKs find financial stability and freedom in their decision.
• A rise in DINKs may continue due to high childcare costs and climate concerns.

Michelle didn't always know she wanted to be a DINK.

The 34-year-old said it wasn't because of past bad experiences, a poor relationship with her parents, or growing up the product of a divorce. None of that was true for her, but today she is part of a double-income, no-kids — or DINK — couple.

The North Carolina-based law firm partner said that "the realization kind of came over time." She had always been under the assumption that she would have kids because "that's what everyone did." She and her husband had some conversations to that effect when they were younger and had always assumed they might have kids when they were older, like their own parents.

"We were definitely in no rush to get married or have kids. We were kind of doing our own thing. And I think just as we got older that desire just never really hit — you keep waiting for it to hit," Michelle, whose full name and profession are known to Business Insider but withheld over privacy concerns, said.

Finally, she told her husband she didn't know if she was ever going to want that. That came as, during the pandemic, she saw her friend group go from being essentially childless to filled with parents. If anything, that solidified her decision more.

"I feel like it made me want them almost less, seeing the changes in the lifestyles that my friends were making," she said, even as she felt the social media and societal pressure to follow in their footsteps.

These days, Michelle and her husband are traveling, enjoying life, and not having to worry about taking care of anyone else. They've been able to buy a house in a great neighborhood, install a pool, go to Europe and on safari, and take long weekend trips.

She's not alone: Several DINKs have told BI that the ability to travel, save money, and have time for themselves are major motivators for staying child-free. And, financially, there are some real benefits to being a DINK: Their net worths have outpaced that of other family structures, and, for some, being a DINK is a new route toward the American dream of financial stability and putting down roots.

However, even as the concept of being a DINK catches on, it's still an exception to the societal rule. Studies from researchers Zachary P. Neal and Jennifer Watling Neal found that parents favor other parents, and feel more warmly toward them. The researchers found that doesn't mean parents dislike childfree people, but it does mean that those who are childfree might end up feeling less satisfied or "out of place" in their neighborhoods.

"Financially we can put that money toward fun money instead of childcare and saving for college and all those types of things," Michelle said. For instance, they were able to take a spontaneous theme park trip recently while heading to Orlando for a global entry interview — no babysitter required.

"I think financials are, it's an important part of the decision, but I think it's not the only part. It's more of a lifestyle trade-off than a financial trade-off," she said.

A DINK girl in a child-first world

But while being a DINK has perhaps caught on a bit more in the US, it still feels like the societal exception to the rule.

While Michelle and her spouse's parents have been supportive, the couple still feels the weight of a culture that's oriented around having kids. When she moved into her new neighborhood, for instance, a neighbor came over and asked her how old her kids were, just assuming she had them.

"There's just kind of this expectation that yeah, you have kids and if you don't, there's something kind of wrong with you, or your priorities are misaligned," she said. There's also a familiar refrain — one that many DINKs come up against — that it's a selfish decision to forego having kids.

For Michelle, if she had kids, she said she might be resentful — which might not make her a good parent.

"Aren't I a better person for not having one and knowing my boundaries than maybe being a parent that's not the best parent that could be out there?" she said.

Michelle has also noticed a divide between her friends with children and those without. She can't make spontaneous plans with friends who are parents, and often the evening consists of hanging out at their friends' houses so that they can ensure their kids are in bed. Michelle said they are less often experiencing new things or hanging out in large groups. While they want to stay close to their friends who have kids, they also know that they have different lifestyles and priorities right now.

"We have a couple unmarried friends that are dating here that I think we weren't as close with before, but we tend to spend a lot more time with now because their lifestyles line up and their availability lines up," she said.

Being a DINK might catch on even more soon as Americans contend with high childcare costs and a climate crisis looming. A survey from NerdWallet and Harris Poll of 2,061 US adults in December found that 56% of non-parents under the age of 60 say they don't plan on having kids, with 44% saying they don't want children, and 31% saying that cost of raising a kid is too high.

Ultimately, Michelle said, "it's not anyone else's position to tell you what you should or shouldn't do and how your family structure should look," she said.

She thinks that being a DINK, and opting into it as a lifestyle choice, needs to be more normalized.

"I just don't feel like there is enough out there in the world that's saying that there are people living this lifestyle and it's OK, they're contributing to society, and they're good people, but they're just choosing a different path and that's okay; it's no one else's decision, really, but ours," she said.

Are you a DINK or someone grappling with the realities of a child-centric world? Contact this reporter at [email protected].